you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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