Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
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