If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
