do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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