Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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