you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize