in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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