I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
