mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
