my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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