His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
