My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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