She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
