Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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