We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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