pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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