508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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