We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This is my gift to your gina
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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