she woke up with a sticky ear
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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