She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
