I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
