literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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