Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
