Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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