This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
