I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
