i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
