I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
