Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i out mim tonsoeep
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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