While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
