Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
