You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
