oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
