I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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