I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
