I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
