My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
