we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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