shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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