I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
