You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
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I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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