and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
