its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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