an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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