i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
