Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think my vagina is haunted
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I want a musical about memes.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
