my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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