I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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