Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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