My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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