Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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