News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
