Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Randomize
