Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
